You Were Born Worthy
On Fridays, I post a quick tip to the Dating for Sh*ts & Giggles site and to the social networks, but I don’t email it so as not to wear out my welcome in your inbox. So, I was pleasantly surprised when a subscriber saw the latest tip and asked me to dive deeper into the nuances around worthiness and dating.
I absolutely used to seek validation from my dates.
How could I not? We live in a capitalist society structured to make us feel bad about ourselves, so we will buy things to make us feel better until another flaw is invented to be solved with another solution that costs money. Hello, buccal fat removal! (After the last two newsletters, I pledged to make this edition light and fun. My brand is literally poops and laughs, and here I am trying to lead a socialist revolution.)
My favorite validation hack via dating apps was posting make-up-free profile pics (black and white filters are an excellent replacement for concealer). I told myself that my method assured me that any potential date was prepared for my post-sex face, when it was indeed a cheap validation set-up. When I showed up for our first date wearing a swipe of mascara and gloss, my date would exclaim, “Wow, you are even better looking in person!”
“Aww, thanks; I didn’t expect that at all.”
Are you giving me a deserved eye roll? Let me pile on.
Because I am a hypercritical judgemental perfectionist, I had a hard rule against dating performing artists. One of my greatest fears is sitting through someone’s show and then having to make up something nice to say during post-performance celebratory drinks. But all my self-knowledge was left on the floor when I came across Malcolm’s profile on Bumble. His red-flag shirtless profile pic stopped my swiping finger in mid-air. I told myself I was intrigued by the artfulness of the headshot, not his pecs. Reading his profile, I learned he was a spoken word artist who had recently completed a residency at a legendary writer’s colony that I had dreams of being accepted to. Hot body plus enviable accomplishments rolled right over my misgivings.
I met Malcolm for breakfast at a classic diner near downtown Brooklyn, far from my apartment. (Safety First!) We settled into a booth, the conversation flowing freely over our overpriced omelets. I asked him what he was working on, and things took a turn. I wondered if I had offended him as he slid out of the booth. I wondered if I should call for help as he kneeled on the linoleum. And then. He began to recite poetry at me.
I tried to put on a convincing smile. I wish I had offered my hand to help Malcolm back to his seat. Instead, I nodded and pretended to appreciate being performed at surrounded by senior citizens in a Greek diner. We finished the meal. And as we walked out, I accepted his invitation for a second date. He hugged me goodbye and gave my left ass cheek a painfully hard squeeze. He misread the look of horror on my face, smiled brightly, and said, “I didn’t expect to get you so turned on.”
I was too shocked to set him straight.
The next day, I sent him an “It’s not you, it’s me” text. And sat with the question of why I had gone on the date in the first place. Yes, having a chiseled guy want to go out with me was validating. And he had performed on the same stage as Lin Manuel Miranda. But that ass grab turned on some clarity in my mind. I don’t even like modern poetry! (I’m sorry. I’m a heathen.)
I want to give that me a hug. I had hoped some of that fancy writer’s colony validation would rub off. In our imagined future, Malcolm would read my drafts and give me the push I had been missing to expose my writing to the world. It was easier to seek his imaginary validation than to sit with therapist number 578 and my seemingly intractable low self-esteem.
Validation-seeking can be an exhaustingly sneaky beast. The insidiousness is beyond worrying about our maturing faces, loosening breasts, bingo wings, or not-so-perky butts.
I never assign homework (we already have enough sh*t to do). But, If you find yourself bewilderingly deflated after dates, kindly consider ways you may be seeking validation. You aren’t doing anything wrong. But you might find relief if you choose to do things differently.
XOXO,
Lateefah
Publishing Note: I am playing with the publishing schedule. You will hear from me twice weekly, but I want to get out of the crowded Wednesday field and am trying release options. Let me know if you wish to receive my missives to arrive on a particular day.
You can support this newsletter by sharing it. You can find the shareable edition online here, along with past newsletters. In addition, you can follow me on Instagram, submit questions anonymously using this link, and email me at LVTorrence @ gmail.com. Thanks for reading!