"Why Do So Many White Men Have Pictures of Them Running?”
A Guide to the Men You Meet on Dating Apps (#NotAllMen)
When my daughter was little, I had strict criteria for tv shows she was allowed to watch: one of the main characters had to be female or a person of color. Once while staying with extended family, one of my aunts overheard me reminding my daughter that something on tv didn’t fit my guidelines. My aunt asked me, “Are you raising her to hate men?”
“No,” I said. “I’m raising my daughter to be a main character.”
Writing this edition of the newsletter brought up old fears that my women-first mantra equals man-hating. Shouldn’t this page be filled with all the fascinating things you will encounter when reading men’s profiles on dating apps?
Nope.
This edition is heavy on caution because I won’t waste your valuable time validating green lights you can recognize independently. It’s a rough road, and I’m here to provide shortcuts.
One shortcut I forgot to mention in last week’s Quick Start Guide to Dating Apps is the option some apps offer to purchase an “Incognito” mode. This upgrade allows you to browse profiles anonymously, only revealing your app data to users once you’ve reviewed their profile and decided to try for a match.
Except for Emily Ratajowski, all of today’s quotes are taken directly from dating profiles. I have done light editing to avoid violating the apps’ terms of service or anyone’s privacy. (Note: anything you put on a dating app can be made public. Screenshots are regularly posted on sites like Reddit.)
"Why do so many white men have pictures of them running?”
Because they don’t want fatties. Duh.
It is a well-worn trope that while women fear their online match will murder them, men fear their online match will be fat. This type of man may also mention an “active lifestyle” or searching for a “fit” partner where fit has nothing to do with health.
Recently, I responded to a Reddit post from a man who was disappointed that his date wasn’t “height-weight proportionate.” I resisted asking him if his preferred proportions were passed down from Hugh Hefner or Sir Mix-A-Lot. Occasionally, men post pictures of themselves running because they simply like to run. If you like his pics and his profile, go ahead and swipe right. I have heard from super fit men who want to know how they can be less intimidating to women with different body types. With your filter-free and full-body shots, your dates will always know exactly who is showing up.
“I’m 5’7”
Speaking of proportions. How many romcoms feature a culminating night of passion followed by a morning scene of a sated heroine drinking coffee while wholly swallowed by her love interest’s billowing button-down shirt? Do some of us obsess over the height of potential dates so that we can feel relatively small in their arms? There is so much pressure on American women to do everything and weigh nothing. What societal pressures have formed the size, race, career, or education preferences you use to evaluate potential dates?
“*DISCLAIMER* I am 26 years old, not 50”
“I am 64, not 54, but you’d never know it”
People who lie about their age to get around your search criteria don’t respect your boundaries. This is an automatic disqualification from dating you.
“Lovers of Alpha men, swipe right. Non-Vanilla.”
This man wants to tie you up.
Which is great if you are also non-vanilla, aka kink-friendly. However, outside of romance novels, the Alpha Male myth is on the slippery slope to Red Pill misogyny. Relatedly, if someone is overt about sex in their profile, be prepared for them to bring it up in your early in-app text exchanges. Many men will use the excuse of having escaped a “dead bedroom” relationship (no sexual activity) to ask inappropriate questions about your sexual history and preferences. Unmatch, block and don’t engage. Don’t give them pleasure from your outrage.
“Drama-free”
Every man who writes this is unaware that he is the common denominator in his relationship problems.
“Just ask”
Hasn’t put any thought or effort into his dating profile. Won’t put any thought or effort into a relationship.
“Easy going, fun, intelligent, and respectful. Open-minded looking for same. Married.”
This man is listed as single in his data used for the search and filter features. And an example of why I recommend caution when you come across men looking for someone “open-minded.” Sure, this potential date could be all in for trying that new Nigerian-Icelandic fusion restaurant, or maybe he’s shy about wanting to explore a kink. But it may also mean that he is cheating on his wife. Or lying about his conservative political views because there aren’t any women on the dating app for conservatives.
“Kindness is the most important quality I look for; it's always in the eyes.”
Look for self-awareness.
“I am easygoing and looking for a woman that will lead to something meaningful.”
Be forgiving of the occasional typo. Let she who hasn’t had an autocorrect fail throw the first stone.
“Until then, be safe out there.”
I’ll be back on Wednesday for the inaugural edition of Dear S & G. You can submit your anonymous question or comment here: https://forms.gle/RDaT6uMDVRcskNND9
XOXO,
Lateefah