When I launched the newsletter, I planned to do a deep dive each week on a single area of the dating and aging experience. But as I answered dating questions this week, I realized I was being a hypocrite.
I don’t like to wait for anything. This week’s Quick Start Guide to Using Dating Apps is for the Veruca Salt in all of us:
How Do I Stay Safe When I Start Using Dating Apps?
Dating app profile prompts ask for a lot of personal information. You (and the men you are viewing) are not obligated to provide all the requested information. In fact, I suggest you say no to certain prompts and requests. If you have a Starbucks name, use it. I have been LT, Lisa, and Elle. No one gets my real name or phone number until he has been screened and approved for an in-person meeting.
Do not include your job title or where you work. If your work is essential to you, add your general field. Do not link your social media accounts. A Spotify playlist is not a mixtape to be shared at this point in your relationship.
Are you saying to yourself, “Lateefah? This sounds really over the top.”
Strangers will Google you.
During our first Bumble text exchange, Jay1 mentioned being active in New York’s storytelling community. By googling his first name and creative pursuit, I found his LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, street address, and confirmed his age. I repeat - I only had his first name and an activity. I did this with information from our initial in-app text exchange. Be careful.
Additionally, your phone number can reveal your identifying information through voter registration and other public records. So choose an alternative phone number for matches you want to communicate with outside the apps. Do not use WhatsApp. It displays your phone number. Inspired by a Reddit post on spoofed numbers, I asked what apps folks currently use to keep their phone numbers safe. There was no clear winner, but I like one user’s solution of combining a Google Voice number with WhatsApp. This keeps your actual number safe and allows you to communicate on a widely used platform. Here’s the discussion if you would like to see additional suggestions.
How Do I Choose Pictures for my Dating Profile?
I recommend at least one full-body shot, one social/activity shot, and your favorite face pic. No selfies - forward-facing cameras distort your facial features. All pics must be recent. No filters or touch-ups.
Seriously.
You are only doing yourself a disservice if the pics in your profile don’t represent the you who will show up in person. My philosophy for dating online and via apps is to be 100% honest about who you are in a profile. Why? Honesty minimizes anxiety. You can walk confidently into any date, knowing that the man you are meeting is excited to meet you exactly as you are. Not 10lbs or a 10k from now. No stress about your smile lines, poochy belly, under-eye circles, non-existent or deflated breasts - because you posted genuine pics.
“But Lateefah, I don’t have any pictures of myself that I like!”
If you are a DIY person, get a cheap tripod and start shooting. Ask a friend to snap some shots of you during your next catch-up (Make sure they don’t shoot from a low angle). Scroll through the pics your friends have posted of you on their socials and use those.
Still nothing? Step back, and ask yourself if you are being overly critical. Ask a friend to help you re-evaluate the pics you already have. Remember, the men have aged, too. And if they are looking for someone without your signs of a life well-lived? They aren’t for you.
Sorry for the tone, but this is a big issue for me: do not post pictures showing children's faces - your own or anyone else’s. If your social or activity pics include your friends’ faces, ask permission first. Respect consent. You may use pictures of yourself that display background strangers in public spaces. Just don’t use any from a nude beach.
Speaking of nudes, this is a sex-positive space. And a realistic one. Women are still judged harshly for acting on sexual desire. Do not include your face in any sexy pics you post or exchange. It isn’t a matter of trusting the intended recipient. It is a precaution against hacking. (And bad break-ups.) If you are interested in casual relationships, hooking up, or an FWB(footnote), including sexy pics in your dating profile, it will attract your market. Unfortunately, inclusion will also increase the inappropriate texts and unsolicited dick pics you will receive. Although, I found those highly useful for entertainment purposes in the girlfriend group text. I keep my own sexy shots and the fun ones I’ve received in a photo vault.
How Do I Select a Dating App?
The right app for you is dependent on your location and your target audience. Absolutely try multiple apps. Tinder has the most users but also a reputation as a hook-up destination. Hinge has come on strong as the app for those seeking long-term relationships. I prefer Bumble for its Women Message First approach. It also has the highest number of paying users (more serious?). Finally, Feeld may be a fit for a bedroom or every-room adventure. In fact, I recommend you try Feeld at least once. Why? I found some men had mild profiles on Bumble, but wild profiles on Feeld.
How Do I Write a Dating App Profile?
Your first go at a profile is likely to be a hot mess. That’s okay. Accept that, like yourself, your profile is a Work in Progress. While each app has a different character limit and set of prompts, the goal of your profile is the same for all: communicate who you are, what you want, and who you are looking for.
Yeah. It’s impossible to do all that in a profit-driven digital text box.
Breathe. Start with the essentials. What is your number one dealbreaker? What is a fundamental need? What will make or break a connection? Avoid wasting space saying what you don’t want unless it is an absolute requirement. Instead, focus on what you want more of in your life.
My profile used to read, “I like the smartest guy in the room.” But after matching with and dating one, I realized men who think they are the most intelligent person in the room are assholes. So I revised my profile to emphasize empathy.
I may be pilloried for this gendered take, but the profile isn’t make or break for women the way it is for men. Write what comes to mind. Do a grammar check. Post and start swiping.
Remember, all dating apps are in it to make money from your desire to make connections. If you successfully meet someone and stop using the app, you stop being a profit center. No matter the marketing, it is in every app’s interest to keep you unsatisfied and swiping. Turning an app into just another streaming drama or comedy is easy. Set a goal and a time limit for your swipe sessions.
Those are the essentials to get you started. I’ll expand, return, and revise these tips. But don’t hesitate to let me know if you need clarification immediately. Or if I made the classic mistake of forgetting what it is truly like to be brand new online dating and need more specific guidance to get started.
Next week, I’ll cover how to interpret Male Dating App Profiles. So many are written as though men and women grew up on different planets. (Joke! Not an endorsement of that trash book!)
XOXO,
Lateefah
Jay (not his real name) has been my boyfriend for over two years. He supports my work, and I respect his desire not to have his business out in the streets.