If you need advice on a situationship or anything related to dating and aging, please feel free to submit your question here.
Dear S&G,
I recently left my marriage of nearly 20 years, only now realizing I should have done it years ago when I discovered his infidelity. My therapist agreed it wasn’t too soon to date, as I desperately needed human connection. I needed the attention (both physical and mental) that I was missing from my ex.
I have already had a good handful of dates (some worse than others) and intimate moments with a few men (again, some worse than others). In fact, I have been dating a guy now for nearly two whole months. We discussed a couple of weeks ago how much fun we were having & enjoying ourselves and stated that we’d take it day-by-day with no expectations. I am so smitten with him, and he makes me laugh. I feel so good with him - oh, the sex is GREAT! We talk/text/or FaceTime daily and see each other 1-2 times a week. He’s already met quite a few of my friends, and they liked him too.
I haven’t met any of his friends, nor have I been to his place. I’ve tried to be open and let things happen naturally, but in my quest to be loved, I am eager to have that validation of someone wanting to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
So my question is twofold - is it too early to talk about exclusivity? He’s shared some details of his life, but not certain things (e.g., meet his friends, see his apt). How do I tip-toe around & not ask questions that seem like prying if we’re “not exclusive”? Second, I’m unsure I can trust him entirely since I have been cheated on. I don’t want to get hurt, but I don’t want to push him away. I’m not sure how real relationships work this stuff out.
Thanks,
J
Hey J,
Have you forgiven yourself for staying in your marriage too long? The backstory and justifications for not waiting long to date after leaving your husband make me want to give you a big hug and tell anyone who is judging you to “Fuck off.”
You know how real relationships work. Faced with desperately needing human connection and attention, you talked it out with your therapist, went on dates, and found someone who makes you laugh. Plus, great sex??? You are killing it. Now that you have achieved your initial goal, the deeper stuff has come to the surface:
“I am eager to have that validation of someone wanting to be with me as much as I want to be with them.”
Girl. I have felt that chasm. And I am so sorry that the hole can’t be filled with a person. But that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to date and enjoy yourself while you work on self-validation with your therapist. Have you given yourself flowers for recognizing your relationship needs have evolved? You don’t have to worry about prying questions or it being too soon, but you may have to accept that Great Sex Guy wants to stay in the laughs and orgasms lane, no matter how amazing you are. But you won’t know until you have a conversation.
XOXO,
Lateefah