Why Dating for Sh*ts & Giggles?
I can’t fix capitalism, but I can fix dating.
Wow, my therapy is really working. That is a BOLD statement.
I see a disconnect between the dating needs of my girlfriends over 40 and how we were socialized to date. In my 20s, I devoured articles on how to give the best blow jobs as if my life (marriage) depended on it. I thought I was a good feminist, but looking back, I see that I started every date thinking my #1 goal was to prove myself worthy of being marriage material.
My divorce was long and contentious. By the time I was free to date again, I hadn’t had sex in years. Add on perimenopausal hormones, and I was ready to get laid yesterday. But I’m a Virgo with PTSD and a highly active (murder) imagination - I wasn’t going to go home with a man from a bar or a PTA meeting. So on a Thursday night, I downloaded Bumble because Serena Williams was in an ad, and apps allow you to prescreen dates - heavily. I expected to have a date by Saturday.
I was wrong. Scrolling through the app, I didn’t understand the words on men’s profiles. When did everyone become polyamorous? Did I need to list my kink ratings? (Very NSFW quiz link here.) Was I the last ethically monogamous woman in Brooklyn? Why do so many profile pictures show men holding fish? (I know the answer!*)
The entire process was so unappealing I started to wonder if I was heterosexual after all. But as a solo parent, I didn’t have time to work on an entirely new sexuality.
So I started dating, learning, and cracking up my girlfriends with stories about the Guy with the Room Just for Sex Toys, The Guy Who Got on his Knees and Recited Poetry During Brunch, and the Date Where the Bartender Gave Me His Number. I learned to read between the profile lines. And why it’s good to use multiple apps. I realized I was allergic to shrimp. On a date. While I was naked.
Surprisingly, I found a sense of ease. Play. And connection.
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Next week, I’ll share some ways to figure out how to find clarity on what you want out of dating. You can’t find what you want if you don’t know what you are looking for. Click below to subscribe.
XOXO,
Lateefah
*Fish Pic Syndrome is so sad. Unlike many women, straight men aren’t socialized to take pictures of each other when they go out. When a het dude decides to make a dating profile, his solo photo selection will most likely be limited to accomplishment pics snapped by strangers like the captain of the fishing charter or a badly cropped groomsman photo.
Polyamorous = Having multiple romantic partnerships
NSFW = Not Safe For (viewing at) Work