D-I-V-O-R-C-E, But Less Country & Western
Dear S&G
Dear S&G,
I'm just starting the process of divorce mediation, and I feel lost and overwhelmed. I know you have gone through this already, and I'd like to know if you could share any advice or tips that helped you during your divorce. What do you wish you had known at the beginning of the process?
Thanks,
M
Hey M,
I openly offer what I learned from my divorce with the caveat that everyone’s circumstances are unique. I am not a lawyer, even if I frequently defend my JD from TV. (Why doesn’t Judge Judy have a MasterClass?)
As you might surmise, I survived my divorce by leaning into humor as defense and protection. I also repressed a lot of nonsense perpetrated by my ex. But I don’t know if there is a way that someone can choose to forget; I believe it is a bonus skill I acquired when I leveled up my PTSD. When needed, my friends reminded me of what I had been through, and then I could repack the bad stuff away in the corner of my mind.
If you want a healthier approach, I recommend putting your official support team together. Don’t let any possible shame you may feel about ending your marriage stop you from asking your people things like,
“I am going through some shit, and I need you to be on my team. Can you listen to me complain once a week for 15 minutes?”
“How about you go to yoga with me once a month and not talk about the divorce at all?”
“Are you available to remind me of the happy times when I start feeling bad about choosing this fool to be my husband?”
It may feel strange to get specific. But setting expectations and boundaries will reassure your friends that they aren’t signing up to be your unpaid and untrained therapist.
Speaking of essential mental health professionals, if you don’t have a therapist, get one. And if you don’t love your therapist, get a new one. I know going over all of your trauma with a new therapist sucks. But the payoff of finding someone who understands your experience and SEES you is worth a session or two of embarrassing and uncomfortable snot tears.
I’m relieved to hear that you are going through mediation. Do EVERYTHING in your power to keep lawyers out of your divorce proceedings. I made my hours waiting on hard benches outside the courtroom pass by eavesdropping on and watching the hallway negotiations of opposing divorce lawyers. I was pulled in by the overheard tidbits of other people’s messes. But I was horrified to realize that the lawyers weren’t focused on looking out for their client’s best interests. I recognized the gleam in their eyes as they stood face-to-face under fluorescent lights. I, too, had been a high school debater and can recognize my own. Their clients weren’t broken-hearted humans anymore. Husbands and wives were well-worn index cards shuffled for points won and dollars billed. Run, don’t walk away.
Finally, allow yourself to grieve. What imagined future have you lost? I had to say goodbye to winning the lottery and using the money for a family trip retracing Darwin’s travels on the HMS Beagle. The man who sat at the opposing table during my divorce looked like my husband but was no longer the man who had agreed to participate in the world’s nerdiest dream with me. You may have to grieve the man you thought you knew as well.
XOXO,
Lateefah