Are Dating Apps Men Catalogs?
Wednesday Wants & Needs
Thank you for the check-ins after my Sunday newsletter. I’ve only heard sounds of daily living from my neighbor’s apartment, so I guess everything is okay. My daughter and I took Monday off and spent the day cuddled on the couch, talking about life while watching the first (of 10?!?) season of Vanderpump Rules (I have Scandoval FOMO).
D asked if I had ever had to call the police before, and sadly, the answer was yes. I wish I could protect her from the world. Still, I remember being even younger than her when I was first exposed to intimate partner violence. It was during my dad’s second marriage, so I must have been about 9 when I woke in the middle of the night to the sounds of someone crying. I wandered into the formal living room to see my then-stepmother holding her friend I knew from raucous barbecues. I was shooed back to my room without explanation. No one noticed me lurking in the hallway as I listened to the description of the beating she endured from her husband.
Whew, that was not my plan when I sat down to write today. First, I was going to say, “thanks.” Then transition to a giveaway leading back to the fun land of dating hijinks. While dating can be a fascinating hobby. I’m only half joking when I say my biggest dating fear was being rejected, followed by being murdered.
This is why I advise putting your well-being and safety first. Of course, I can’t say, “If you follow these steps, you will always be safe.” But I can share what I have done to protect my body and my heart.
But Lateefah, you ask, “Why can’t I just meet someone like we used to?”
If you are still about that social life, girl, go for it! I would have to find a sitter, take a nap the day of, AND clear my schedule the day after to go out as I did in my twenties and thirties. I am 50 years old.
I often meet a friend for brunch at 10:00 a.m. On a Saturday. We would meet even earlier if the restaurants of Williamsburg were open during mom hours. This is not prime mingling time.
I’m here for the shortcuts. Meeting someone at work is an HR nightmare. Fewer people go to church or belong to social clubs. Are pickleball courts where Gen X goes to mix and mingle? Statistics (behind a paywall that I can’t link to) show that dating apps are simply where the men are. Monthly users on Hinge and Bumble are over 60% male. Tinder is even worse for dudes, with a ratio of fewer than three women for every seven men. Before my boyfriend locked me down, I enjoyed lying in bed, swiping through men on dating apps like I was flipping through The Vermont Country Store catalog. The entire enterprise is ridiculous but sometimes surprisingly entertaining.
What about all the terrible things you’ve heard about online dating? Are there cheating married guys on the apps? Yes. Men wanting to “feel relevant” with no intention of ever meeting in person? Yep. But there are also warm-hearted software engineers, dads who cheer for their daughters while they show their 4-H goats, bird watchers, and naughty boys in the best way.
How do I know? I went out with each of them.
So who do you want to go to bed early with? Drawing a blank? Let your ideal imaginary date form in your mind the next time you hide in the bathroom.
If a certain type of man did immediately come to mind (lucky you!), drop me a line, and let’s hatch a plan.
And no, I didn’t forget about the giveaway!
I have FIVE paid one-month subscriptions to the fabulous Culture Study newsletter. Anne Helen Petersen has created a wonderful community. Enter your email here, and I will pick five random winners on Thursday, March 30th; just in time to join the fun Friday comments.
XOXO,
Lateefah